comedy, tragedy, or tragedy?

I apologize for my behavior the other night. It was inappropriate of me to punch your
boyfriend, kick your dog, and pull down your pants. How was I supposed to know you
weren’t wearing panties? My fault. I was drunk. But after all, it was a party, and where
there is a party there is booze and where there is booze there is me. I would understand
if I was never invited to one of your parties again. But let us still be friends. Tom
your boyfriend too.
I am truly and completely remorseful. But lets be fair. How was I supposed to know
that it was not a “lets get wasted” party? Come on, you have to admit that some was on
me but a lot was on you too. Why have the rows upon rows of vintage wine in your cellar
if it wasn’t for consumption? And shall I remind you it wasn’t me that ran out of toilet
paper. Did you know that paper towels did not flush? If you did, you should have told
me. My bad for the mess. Or was it?
I am rambling. Its not your fault I acted the drunken fool. Nor am I attempting to imply
it was your fault. That fire was totally my fault. You told me not to ignite those fireworks,
the ones I proudly paraded around to your friends. I was proud. They were hard to get.
But you are right, I should have listened to you wise sage. But it was just a small fire. I
will pay for the damages to your “antique” sofa. And I am sorry that I argued against
paying at first, but now I am a little more sober and see my error. You know how they
say that alcohol reveals ones true character? That is not me. That was not me.
Was it totally necessary to call the police on me? It was a party and I was having fun.
True I was masturbating in your bedroom, but calling the cops was totally not necessary.
You could have just told me to leave. That was inappropriate. I was wrong too. Can
you blame a guy for still being attracted to your sexiness. I know you say that we were
never together, but weren’t we not? I know you are going to say that doesn’t make
sense, but neither did our relationship.
Anyways, I am truly sorry, please accept my apologies, don’t blame me, blame the
booze, etceteras etceteras. My bad. Lets still be friends. Feel free to call me. If not I
might call you sometime.